Realizing that no matter what I did I couldn’t change the past and what happened to me was a big Ah-ha moment for me. I realized that no matter what I did, it happened and I couldn’t do a thing to change that reality. And even if they hadn’t revealed themselves or taken accountability for what they did, I already knew it happened and I just had to accept it.
There comes a time that you become tired of fighting something that you cannot change. And you just have to jump in and join the dance. The dance that you wanted to dance all along but couldn’t. Because your abuser and his so called friends thought they could keep using you and hiding behind their facade of lies in order to get away with it over and over again. They know that the minute they reveal themselves, the fun is over for them. Because they can no longer get a high over ruining and sabotaging your life. They can no longer hide and act like personable people when in reality they are only sheep dressed in fools clothing. They can no longer do that once they reveal who they really are.
For me it’s been about trying to change the outcome. I keep ruminating and going over everything thinking that if I try hard enough I can change everything that happened and may happen in the near future. It wasn’t until recently that I finally understood that I cannot change the past. I cannot change that he switched things up and took me down this path. I cannot change that he belittled, harassed and brought me down. I cannot change that he lied and cheated on me time and time again. I cannot change that he disrespected and used me over and over again. I cannot change that he stole things from me. I cannot change any of it. No matter how hard I try.
And so that is why at some point I had to put my hands up and say OK I give up trying to change it all. I give up trying to control the situation and gain back the power in the relationship. I give up trying to try. And I surrender to what is. I accept what is and I will deal with it as it is. Because that is really the only way to get on with this life. Sometimes you have to cut your losses and just go with it. Hopefully, life will grant you with other possibilities of being “on top” and of being the best that you can be.