Forgiving Yourself

At some point you will realize that you need to forgive yourself as well.  You will have to accept that you took part in all of it and allowed the narcissist to break you down and take years of your life away.  It will be a hard truth to fess up to but you have to acknowledge that somehow, someway.  Because in some way, you let it happen.

This is a hard realization and fact to come to terms with and I know this firsthand.  It’s very hard because deep down you know you tried everything!  And yet he wouldn’t go away.  He wouldn’t leave you alone.  You tried everything to detach from the narcissist in your life.  You fought, you screamed, you shoved and pulled and yet nothing.  He was still always winning and you were always losing.  And yet somehow you have to take some accountability and responsibility for allowing it to go on longer than it should have.

Maybe it was the fact that you didn’t have constant support at home.  Instead you had other vampires to deal with there too.  Maybe it was the fact that he kept closing the doors on you every time you were close to getting out of one.  Maybe it was because you didn’t have any money and all of the financial burdens fell on you.  Or maybe it was the fact that you were isolated by him and you had to watch him spread lies about you and get everyone on “his side.”  Either way, you didn’t get out when you should have.  And that is the reality.  And its a hard one to accept.  In fact, it makes me so angry to know that all of that happened and to know that people, friends and family followed him instead of taking him down and taking me in.  It makes me furious actually.  That was my time to get out, not his.  He got out of his problems because he put them on me.  He stole, forced and sabotaged everything and so I’m not sure where that will finally go but it can’t be anywhere good.

Foundation is always key.  And once again, his is not built on sturdy ground but built on lies and intimidation.  Whereas mine is being built on firm solid ground based on reinvention, love, truth, and strength.  And that is where my focus is.  Not on what I did wrong but what I can do from this point on to make things better and to provide a better future for myself and my kids.  And I can only do that by accepting my faults in all of this, which include not believing in myself hard enough to keep going, to not speaking up and standing up for myself, to trusting the wrong people, to wasting time on him and trying to fix the situation, and to not accepting the truth sooner.

And so with all of my mistakes and with my acknowledgement of them, I surrender to the awful truth of my surroundings and I take full responsibility in the part I played to keep it going.  I know I need to stop feeding the uglies in my story and start feeding myself and those around me, just like I used to and I know I need to do it quickly.  And it can’t start unless I forgive myself.

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