I think one of the hardest things to do is to finally accept everything that has happened to you. All of the terrible things that were out of your control and still are. And all of the hurt, sadness and confusion that you just cannot take away. It will always be there no matter what. But it’s up to you to find a way to put it aside and to just move on. It’s obviously easier said than done, especially for those of us who have been there. For those who haven’t they just quite won’t understand. They will say things like, “what’s wrong with you?” “Who cares!” “He’s gone!” “Move on with your life already!” But try telling that to someone who has been pushed around and belittled by some bully and thrown around like they weren’t worth anything and try telling them that it’s OK, he’s gone. You can move on now. Because the aftermath is worse. The shocks, the scars, the trauma. It’s all still there. And sometimes, the more you try to repress it or hide it or shove it away, the more it resurfaces and the harder it is to move on.
So I’ve come to terms with the fact that I just have to accept it all. I have to accept that my abuser did all of these things. And most importantly and hesitantly enough, I have to accept that he got away. Not because of me. But because of society. They let him go. Because he turned the tables and made it look like it was all my fault. And the courts bought it. I’ve come to terms with it and have accepted that too. But it’s very hard walking from here when it’s all false and doesn’t fit in with your truth or life. It only fits in with his. Because it’s the only way he can get away and keep living this high life of lies.
Watching him live it up everyday has got to be the biggest let down in history. He lives it up everyday without a care in the world. I hold on to all of the burdens and worries while he laughs and grins at all of the mess he made. He has a hold of all of the money, the home and the business. And yet when it comes time to pay for something, he flips out and claims he doesn’t have any. I haven’t been able to hold a job and make money because of all of the stress, torture and harassment. He has even turned my own kids against me, making them believe all of his lies. None of this is aligned with me and my truth and where I should be. And it takes me down every time to know that people are capable of such terrible things. Especially when it’s coming from a man who was supposed to love and protect you and a man whom you gave everything to.
You know you didn’t deserve any of it but you got it anyway. And that’s a hard pill to swallow. But like they say, there is a reason for everything that happens and there’s always a lesson to be learned. And it’s up to us to find it and keep moving on. So let it strengthen you, not weaken you. Find the lesson and just keep going. And whatever you do, don’t ever give up.