My Wildflowers

So this is my very first post and I think I am just going to use this as an opportunity to talk about why I even started this in the first place and why I decided to call it, “My Wildflowers.”

Honestly, I do not even know where the name came from.  This was a blog that I wanted to start and fully commit to since exactly 5 years ago.  Having gone through much trauma, abuse, chaos, confusion and control to say the least, I needed somewhere to go to let the pain out in order to help heal myself of it all.

It was all too much for me that everyday I grew more weary and distant from everyone around me.  My heart slowly began to harden that I didn’t even see a point in reaching out anymore.  And if you know me, you know this is unusual because I was always a people person.  I loved being around friends, laughing and enjoying life.  I loved helping others and showing my compassion towards them and their problems.  But when it came time for me to speak up and connect, I stopped.  Not because I wanted to, but because I was so distraught at the truth of everything going on around me.

The lies, the betrayal, the bullying, and belittling.  Being told which way to go and what to do when all I wanted to do was follow my path, learn, grow, and pursue my purpose.  I just wanted to take care of myself for the first time in my life.  To heal the pain I had inside.  To break free from the pressures and the heaviness of everyone around me.  To transform into the woman I was always meant to be.  To live out the next phase of my life.  It was my right to do so.  And they had no right taking that away from me.

I had had enough of being trapped and caged in by my undertaker.  I was ready to stick up for myself against control and abuse.  I was ready to say that’s enough, I’m not letting you do this to me anymore.  I was ready to get out of that marriage and more so than anything, I needed to get out! My health told me so.  It told me it’s time to get out of this situation and into a better one.

Well my ex spouse (whom I refuse to give the title of ”husband” ever again) didn’t like that very much.  The narcissist in him started to go crazy as he was losing control over his innocent wife and was going to lose all of his narcissistic supply.  He got angry and he got scared.  His beautiful well kept wife was finally waking up and taking control of her life and he was going to have to face his truth and his lies for the first time in his life.  And he didn’t like that.  He was going to be exposed and his wife was standing up for herself.  And she had a voice.  And he didn’t like that either.

So what did he do?  He did what any good old family guy would do.  He broke the mother of his children down, of course.  And then when he was done with her, he proceeded to do the same to them.

Everything was getting out of control and was getting unaligned with myself and my journey and my truth.  He was keeping me from living my life.  It was the worse thing that could ever happen to any human being.  Ever.  It was painful, crazy and full of unnecessary suffering.  Just so he could be “on top of  the world.”  And so he could keep hiding all that he did to me during the marriage.

It began to take a turn for him and in his favor.  Why?  Because he switched the energies and all of the scurrying rats who also had a lot to hide went with him.  It was all too much for me.  And the worst part about it for me was that no one cared.  That was the trigger for me.  I got to see the true colors of everyone around me.  And let me just tell you, it was not that pretty.  People who were supposed to have my back.  People who were supposed to love me unconditionally.  People who were supposed to help me up, not knock me down.  Seeing who they really were, well, that was the scariest part of all.

I constantly thought to myself, how could everyone be OK with inflicting all of these chaotic wounds and sit back and laugh and smile everyday while me and my girls were going through such hell?  I couldn’t understand.  So I stopped writing.  I stopped reaching out.  And I stopped caring too.  I thought, what is the point of telling my story when all of the people around me just keep doing what they are doing and I keep getting used over and over and over again.  And that was why I completely shut down, isolated myself, fell into a depression and basically stopped living.  All while my counterparts were partying it up.

That is basically my story in a nutshell.  And throughout this blog, I will dig deep and reach out to all of you and let you know how I’m feeling and what I’m going through and have gone through.  I will reveal the real raw parts of myself and the not so hot parts of myself.  I will offer advice and seek out advice from you too.  Because I am sure I am not the first person to have gone through such trials and tribulations.  We all have.  And that’s why its important to reach out, speak up and connect.  And that’s why I am finally writing this, after such a long time.  And with that I hope to regain my power back from the ugliest man I’ve ever had to deal with in my life.  He stole the most important parts of me, my sexuality, my life, my power and my purpose.  And I want them back.

And the name “wildflowers” just came over me one day and for some reason it just clicked.  I never once had an experience with any type of flowers throughout this ordeal, except for the fact that I too am like a flower.  I got thrown into the mud and was left there without any water or sunshine but I had to reach out and grab them myself.  Sometimes I’d wait around for others to come and give me some.  I needed them to understand that I too needed to grow.  I was ready.  It was my time.  And just because some big bully thought it was his right to step on me and tell me no, you are not going to grow and live here, doesn’t mean I wasn’t meant to.

And that is why I too like the wildflowers that grow all around us each day, I too am going to grow just like I was intended to.  I may not come out like the beautiful flower I was meant to but I will still come out.  And maybe this time it will be even more exotic and unusual than it would have been before.  And after each death I will reemerge even more brighter and bigger than before.  Because I too am a wildflower just like you.

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